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A Walk With Memories: Dad honors his children who died in wreck while
sharing his thoughts with teenagers

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By Josh Lanier

INDEPENDENT-TRIBUNE

Published: May 11, 2008

CONCORD

Lee Wagner is taking a trip with his children, even though they made their
last trip four years earlier through the same North Carolina roads.

It was four years ago yesterday that Lee's two children died in a car
accident when his daughter, Jillian Wagner, rolled her sport utility vehicle on
a Georgia highway.

The wreck killed 18-year-old Jillian (called Jillie) instantly and would take
the life of her brother, Lee Wagner IV, 16, (sometimes called Little Lee), a few
moments later. It was Mother's Day, and the two were heading to their Peachtree
City, Ga., home from their grandmother's house less than an hour away.

"You can sit back and mourn and cry every day, and trust me, that's an
option," Wagner said. "Or you can get out there and do something.... Even though
you know it won't take away the pain, it's nice to do something for them."

Having started in Peachtree City -- a suburb of Atlanta -- Wagner is
following the path the hearse took four years ago to bury his children in a
Welcome, N.C., cemetery, just outside the church the children attended when they
were younger. Wagner passed through Cabarrus County, following U.S. 29, on
Wednesday.

The walk is 380 miles, taking Wagner from where he lives now to Bethesda
United Methodist Church in Welcome. He doesn't know what is waiting for him at
the church, but he doesn't expect a welcoming party. He knows the final stretch
will probably be the hardest.

Wagner is a stocky man in his mid-50s. His face, framed by golden blond hair,
lights up as he talks about Jillie and Little Lee. When he walks, he wears a
T-shirt that has photos of his children printed on the front.

He talks about his children in the past tense instead of the present,
although he said he believes his children are with him during the walk -- it was
one of the hardest transitions since the wreck, he said. He has strong hands
gained from a lifetime of work in the trucking industry. Wagner still tears up
as he speaks about his children, something he doesn't shy away from or hide.

"When you're a grieving parent, you wear everything on your sleeve," he said.
"Everything is out there and, although it's such a painful thing, it feels good
to talk about your kids and tell others about them."

The walk started in earnest in mid-March. On the weekends, Wagner would plan
walks and allow church and civic groups to walk with him so they could raise
money for their causes. He never wanted any of the money. His prize came with
having a few hours to talk to teenagers about their choices.

"My kids weren't speeding, they weren't drunk, or on drugs," he said. "They
were coming home from their grandma's house.

"I got to talk to the kids about, ‘Is that cell phone call that important?'
‘Is that text message so important?' ‘Is putting on your make-up that
important?' Because the last person to help my daughter with her make-up was an
undertaker."

Wagner added up all of the miles he'd walked with the church groups, laid it
on a map and realized he'd walked the distance from Peach Tree City to Easley,
S.C. That's where his wife, Debbie Wagner, mother of Jillie and Little Lee,
dropped him off two weeks ago. Every day after that, he walked 17 to 25 miles,
sleeping at the homes of friends and relatives and returning to his "last
footprint from the day before" the next morning.

Debbie Wagner joined her husband yesterday for a walk-a-thon at North
Davidson High School, Lee Wagner's alma mater and the school both children
attended before moving to Georgia. Debbie Wagner will be with him today for the
final three-plus miles from the high school to the cemetery.

"I don't know what to expect," Debbie Wagner said about today's walk. "I
don't know what's going to be there, but I do know that all of the emotions will
come back … but in all honesty, they've really never left."

Lee Wagner has trouble defining why he is making the nearly 400-mile
walk.

Penance? He bought his daughter the SUV over his wife's wishes and allowed
Jillie to drive that day.

Therapy? Not to escape the realities but manage his pain and be able to talk
to other grieving parents.

To regain a sense of normalcy? All of the reasons play a part for Wagner, and
he said he has time to think about all of them while he makes his walk.

Whatever the reason, it's helping him and others, too.

"When you're a grieving parent, you're part of this unfortunate fraternity,"
he said. "No one understands what you're going through except those who've gone
through it as well."

Wagner has chronicled his walks on his blog, http://www.awalktoremember.org/, where several grieving parents
have contacted him about their stories. Some of those stories have been added to
the Web site, while others are kept private between the sets of distressed
parents.

"You're in a tailspin when you lose your children; you're in a fog and can't
see your hand in front of your face," he said. "You're crawling for any sign of
hope, and doing good for others can help give you that focus you are searching
for."

Jillie was two weeks away from her high-school graduation when she died. She
had hoped to attend the University at Georgia in Athens. Little Lee had two
years left in high school but had already decided that he wanted to be a doctor,
his father said.

With both of the children so close to becoming college students, their
college coffers were nearly financially complete. Not wanting to spend the money
on anything else, the Wagners then turned those funds into a scholarship for the
students who attended the same high school, Starr's Mill High School. For the
past four years, at least one student has received money, thousands of dollars'
worth depending on the student's need, for a college of their choice.

The Wagners hope to expand the scholarship this year to include one North
Davidson High School student, as well.

After making the final leg of his walk, Wagner said he plans to begin working
out the logistics of something he calls 50-50: 50 miles in 50 states. He thinks
that it may take him years to complete. Debbie Wagner said her husband also
plans to turn his blog entries into a book after finishing his walk.

Lee Wagner will be 56 today, on Mother's Day. When asked if he ever expected
to spend a birthday with such mixed emotions, he replied: "I didn't expect to
spend any of my days like this."

■ Josh Lanier is a reporter with the Concord & Kannapolis

Independent-Tribune.

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